Redemption
by Junsui Kegasu
Summary: “I can’t keep playing your game, Kira,” he said as evenly as everything else, but even that tone held enough of Shuuhei’s feelings to make Kira feel so dirty all over again. “I wish I could stop,” Kira whispered.


For the Secret Santa down over on the LJ community ShuuKira. Go check it out, guys. :D

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He was a dirty, despicable person, and this time there was no Ichimaru-taichou to wipe away those dirty, despicable tears and put a little more white paint over the film that covered him. Sometimes he wondered, as intimate as they often were, how Shuuhei couldn't see it. Couldn't see the flaking coat that needed badly to be redone, but where was the painter? It was a good question. He didn't know. But he wanted him back.

If Shuuhei knew this, he said nothing. For that, Kira was grateful. It made the film of dirt that he knew surrounded him seem just slightly more transparent. Perhaps if he pretended it didn't exist at all, then it wouldn't. Perhaps, maybe, he could even make himself be a better person. He could stop this cycle.

Empty promises. They always were.

How often did tell himself this? Every time the door slid open almost noiselessly and his lover came home, sometimes just wanting to relax and go to bed? The impending minutes before that door slid open, where he swore that they would just sleep that night and there wouldn't be any sex unless Shuuhei initiated it? When he slid into Shuuhei's lap and wrapped his arms around the older man's neck and whispered all the things that he wanted the dark haired man to do to him?

It never worked, and he would never be clean. They never fought over this kind of behavior, but he knew Shuuhei didn't like it. He knew that if not for whatever kind of love he could feel for someone as dirty as Kira Izuru, he would just leave. Sometimes he wondered why he just didn't – he wasn't worth Shuuhei's time, much less the sex he provided.

They had done this for exactly a year today, and perhaps anniversaries came with epiphanies, because Kira swore, really swore, that it wouldn't happen. No more. He would find it in him to love Shuuhei and only Shuuhei – not Shuuhei's body and Gin's spirit from afar. He sat curled in on himself in a kitchen chair, cup of tea gone cold an hour ago. Duty and old habit made it impossible for him to just go to sleep before Shuuhei came home tonight as opposed to the overpowering lust it normally was. Not tonight, he swore.

Then, precisely on time, the door slid open and there was the soft shuffle of footsteps and an even softer announcement of coming home. The blonde in the kitchen lifted his chin from his knees and looked, with eyes he hoped weren't as empty as he felt, at the tired figure there. Shuuhei looked up with tired eyes, but still managed to find a smile for him, which Kira fought to return. As he walked into the kitchen there was silence as the older man went about fixing himself some tea. Once the water was set to boil, he sat down at the table and drummed his fingers there.

"Happy anniversary."

Shuuhei looked at him with slight surprise. "I didn't realize we were celebrating," he said a little guiltily.

Kira knew why. There was nothing to celebrate about a year of being visualized as somebody else, of reluctantly doing things that he would have refused for anybody else under the sun. He knew.

"We don't have to," the blond said casually.

"You mean we don't have to do anything differently than normal," Shuuhei remarked, almost drily as he got up to pour his tea. The words hurt more than Kira thought that any kind of true rejection from Shuuhei would and he let his chin settle between his knees again.

"No… I mean that we don't have to do anything at all," he mumbled, unsure if he really wanted Shuuhei to hear it. Unsure if he was really ready to go through with this. They could wait another week more; go as things always had been. Just for another week, just for another day, just for one more time…

No. He would not let his nerve slip. Not tonight.

Shuuhei had appeared not to hear him and sat back down, sipping his tea carefully. Just at this point it can be remarked that things had already gone differently than usual. By now, usually they were at least half naked, Shuuhei reluctantly and Kira probably too eagerly. By now, things would be well on the way to another disgusting episode of Kira's imagination with Shuuhei as the main puppet. Shuuhei knew it, too, and as soon as he took a breath, Kira knew that this was some kind of turning point, either for better or for worse.

"I can't keep playing your game, Kira," he said as evenly as everything else, but even that tone held enough of Shuuhei's feelings to make Kira feel so dirty all over again.

"I wish I could stop," he whispered. This time, as they were in closer proximity, Shuuhei heard him. "It's all I know, sex. It's the only kind of romance I got."

"It's not the sex that bothers me," Shuuhei said after a pause and with very careful words. "At least, not much. It's the way you want to go about it that I can't do anymore."

The blonde's surprise made him blurt, "What other way is there?"

The minute the words left his mouth, he knew that he had just made himself feel stupid. Shuuhei only eyed him critically before getting an odd look in his eyes and looking in the other direction. An awkward silence seeped into the room like plaster, preserving this moment forever. Kira buried his entire face into his knees and fought the tears that pressed against his eyelids. He should just get up and leave. Shuuhei really deserved someone much better. He heard the noise of a chair moving and knew in his heart that Shuuhei was going to leave him forever, as he definitely should, and then jumped when he felt the warm and comfortable weight of Shuuhei's arms wrapping around his shoulders and pulling him against the larger body, willing him to uncurl.

Confused, the blonde let his body unfurl and press against Shuuhei's in a purely innocent manner, his face turned to the side and pressed against Shuuhei's chest when he stood at his full height. Large hands rubbed against his back and a chaste kiss was placed on the top of his head. It was the purest form of affection he had ever received, but Kira refused to let himself cry. If Shuuhei knew what he was doing, he would follow. He was good at following.

"We have a start," the older man whispered, pressing another kiss to the pale locks beneath him. The message was cryptic and a thousand explanations for it rushed through Kira's head, but he didn't question what that meant. He was actually quite comfortable where he was and had even brought up a hand to fist loosely in the material of Shuuhei's shirt. When the man shifted, he looked up only to meet with one of a scarce handful of kisses that Shuuhei had initiated.

Kira really did like those kisses more. They made him think that maybe he wasn't such a bad person after all. Although, he liked any of Shuuhei's kisses. The older man tasted strongly of fresh apples, crisp and pure. This time, he wasn't tempted to bite. He had a feeling that such behavior would not be appreciated any more than it ever was, and probably even less.

And with all of the slightly painful additives to sex, he was quite lost. Almost painfully lost. Perhaps it was a better idea to let Shuuhei lead him through everything and not question it this time around. Perhaps he could redeem himself in the older man's eyes.

Instead of teeth, Shuuhei let his tongue brush Kira's lower lip to ask permission to enter, which the smaller Shinigami gave graciously. Somehow a vicious tongue war didn't seem the way to go, either, and he shyly let Shuuhei take the lead and participated submissively. Shuuhei hummed his approval into Kira's mouth and broke the kiss to kiss him again on the forehead. "How was that?" he asked, like he was doing some kind of experiment.

Kira thought about it. It lacked any kind of sting to make the kiss memorable, but he knew that he would never forget this one at the same time. "It was amazing," he said truthfully, smiling upwards. This made Shuuhei's smile glow brighter in his dark eyes and he took Kira's hand to lead him to the room that they shared every night. They made their way to the bed, but instead of a passionate leap or fall onto it, Shuuhei spun him around so that the back of his knees hit the bed and bent so that he was lowered softly and gently to the bed.

Shuuhei didn't stop, though, and continued to kiss him. Even if their lips weren't connected, the places where Shuuhei's touched made starbursts of pleasure run through his body and he arched, itching to thread his fingers through Shuuhei's hair (or better yet have Shuuhei's fingers in his) and yank. There was more to sex, he kept telling himself, than what he knew and Shuuhei would make it right.

And so far, everything felt right. The guilt that normally pressed on his thin, rounded shoulders had lightened, replaced by a purer lust that coursed through him. He wanted Shuuhei and only Shuuhei. No thoughts of his former captain even entered his mind as they stripped each other slowly and haphazardly, kissing and exploring in between. It was the most memorable experience he would ever have, and he knew it.

Finally, his lover was positioned against his opening. Kira raised his hips to slam down on it without any kind of preparation so that the sting he so cherished would ring through him for a day afterwards, but Shuuhei held his hips fast.

"None of that," he said as calmly as one can be with his erection pressed against the pert and willing ass of a lover. "Slow." And even though he didn't go through any of the motions of stretching him, he did bring one hand down to rub pre-cum over his erection to serve as a makeshift lubricant before slowly lowering Kira onto him until their hips met. Immediately, the younger Shinigami went to move up to slam back down, but Shuuhei held his hips down again.

"I understand that you have this need for control," he murmured, refusing to let the blonde move until he had adjusted to the object inside of him. "But you have to have some kind of patience." Deeming his lover relaxed enough he lifted Kira up and then slid him back down. He didn't let Kira do it on his own until he was sure that the other man knew the pace was to be gentler than he was used to, and crossed his arms behind his head to watch the blonde bounce on his cock.

This kind of control was absolutely incredible. This time, he knew that Shuuhei wasn't fighting to stay erect and even the lack of pain around the edges wasn't bad at all. Unlike he had feared, it didn't take away from the feeling of completion, but actually added to it as he moved, moaning freely. As they both came, almost simultaneously, he collapsed and fell to lean against Shuuhei's chest and they repeated the chaste hug from before. This time, Kira couldn't stop the tears running down his face as he cried silently, hoping that Shuuhei wouldn't be able to tell through the sweat on his chest but knowing better than that.

Shuuhei stroked his head gently, letting his calloused fingers slip through the blonde's sweat-sticky hair and comb out any tangles without pulling hard enough to hurt. His limbs were feeling heavier and he felt Kira beginning to fall asleep against his chest as well. Before he let his eyes shut, he managed to murmur, unsure if the boy atop him could hear, "This is a start."

They could be redeemed.


End file.
